Puzzle Pieces

I have been a religious person all my life and depended on Christianity for emotional survival, since my parents lived at the Baptist Church. However, I found myself in a bind of needing to embrace a belief system that did not fit my at my deepest level. I never understood why people should pay a preacher or expect someone to tell them what to do. However, there was love and community, along with some scary shit from the pulpit. I needed attention and received it from the church. Believing I was a moral abscess on the planet, I became a young preacher boy, to be sure I was OK with God. This was not satisfying, but as the mystical sojourner described in the first book, I had to go to the farthest reaches of a Doctorate of Ministry, and the “Dark Night of the Soul”, and have suspected that there was not a God waiting to save me for some time. Yet, I am a Hospice chaplain, and hold the hand of dying person everyday, and console their families; providing grief counseling. Because I have been involved with the clergy all my life, I became a preacher boy at the age of 16, and am now almost 55, I do not know how to be on my own. I believe that my dissertation was an act of integrated thinking, to some degree, because it helped me solve a problem, from a certain psychological integration. I believe that I can do power thinking and integrated thinking, but have tried network marketing several times in the past, knowing I needed to be on my own, and not dependent on others, only to fail. I do honestly feel a failure, when it comes to business, but I can take orders all day long and live in that illusory world. I am most happy when writing/singing songs, or being involved in drama/acting. I am an amateur song writer of religious songs, but have not shared these songs in many years. I now know why. My songs are about this illusory god and not those of the God-Man, and those that really add value. I have beautiful tunes, but I have been unsatisfied with most of the lyrics, or I would have shared them. I do not know if I will ever even want to be a businessman. We will see. Nowever, my passions are all about the arts. I have artistic abilities, and interestingly enough, I abandoned my art classes when in the 3rd grade. Perhaps when I gave up on my life. I know now that I can change this, but feel a need to no longer be a chaplain where I can not take the foundations of patient’s life away from them, at their lowest point. I guess I am wondering how I can make $50,000. a year, not doing chaplaincy, until I can really become a value creator in the arts. This is my move towards honesty. Psychologically, I should no longer be a chaplain, though I do also dearly love consoling and assisting others. That is a value creation also, but like building a house with unearned money, I am consoling patients and their families in their, and perhaps my, anticivilization. I suppose that Neothink also threatens my Christian family, and am not sure how to integrate this welcomed understanding into mt total life. I know now that I have been unable to make money because I have be unable and unwilling to stand on my own two feet. I appreciate this discussion, and do most assuredly need your assistance. I am however, very excited about learning Neothink. That is where my child is jumping up and down right now. So, I will be investing in all you have mentioned this evening. I am already deeply indebted to you and the society. Thanks again, Charles Murray