Seeing a new world

Hi

This first meeting was very emotional for me but I have truly enjoyed this whole process being in NTS.
I am so impressed on the way Mark or the team has touched my soul/life and amazement of how it all started and in other areas, I am in shock and denial all in one breath of air. I can not put into words of how I feel about this whole experience but the only word that comes is “WOW!” Impressive…!!!!!
I have so many questions I am not sure where to begin. The first question is how do I get through the first stages when I am struggling with my emotions?
I feel like I am going everywhere and nowhere all in one breath. Its a crazy feeling.
I am not real sure which is the Friday Night essence part of me because I know I am a: artist,writer, poet,healer and I think an inventor but there is a side of me who always seems to pick the wrong things in my life. How do I channel my energy better, when all my emotions are carrying me in so many different directions. I know my thoughts go hand in hand with my emotions but I have learned to hide these gifts from the world because of the abuse throughout my life.
Another question is How do I handle pressure, when I get pressured, then I feel inadequate as a person. I feel lost inside and conflicted not being able to keep up with other people.
My learning curve is that I am a kinetics learner, which means I need visual, audio, and physical interactions. These books take me a long time to read which I have read the first two and started the third one but I feel if there was a way to put these on CD then maybe, I could get done faster. however, I saw there was a reader/scanner for learning comprehension, so I was thinking if I had both of those together a CD version with the reading pen. I could connect the dots faster because I do have this learning curve from past accidents or post traumatic stress disorder when I was younger. Otherwise, it might take me a couple of months to read this next book. Plus going back and reading them will take me awhile. The first book 1200 pages took me 3-4 months to get through. I do not think it will take me that long, but I have to get a job to pay for anything and being out in this world, when I am healing scares me. Plus, working in a job without knowing my own boundaries is very scary. I am more stronger then before but I am also weaker when it comes to my internal self. When I am meditating and healing. This is when I feel the safe inside of me and I am not around other people. When I am around other people or animals. I get so sensitive and feel everyone’s energy around me. I honestly believe my aura shield was broken when I was younger from a sexual abuse or from the accidents way back when.. I am sorry I have a lot to say but I can not keep up with my thoughts and the questions, so I write what I feel at the moment.
plus, if I have an email in yahoo…. Do I need to get another email for this because of one of the letters said this site will not accept yahoo, Google and bling and if so who is a trust able company to have a email. To me, trust is vital for life but trust has been shattered throughout my life. Its so hard to trust myself and or other people and I think this is caused by boundaries being lost and not truly learned in life. People violate then I violate other people. Vicious cycle repeats… I am sorry I am a complicated person and unique but I come from a different world and I just do not understand this world. Where I came from trust is not an issue…. love is not an issue and magic/power is normal there. Here I am a in abusive/ dying world who thrive on hurting people. The first breath of air was the beginning stages of pain, as like: my Pain Poem.

I truly want to improve values but first I must understand them to teach them. I love the experience of teacher student and student teacher because I know I am a teacher but I know that I have to be a student in order to know how to be a correct teacher. I know I am a self leader but I know that I have to be lead correctly in order to teach correctly.

My philosophy is 80/20 direction, when someone or the whole world is 80 negative and 20 positive, then one feeds this energy like me and then I am stuck inside feeling this trapped pain of someone else garbage. Maybe this is a part of me healing abilities… unknown… Anyway, 80 positive and 20 negative and this method is what I prefer but I need to be around these people feeding me good vibrations and then my creativity soars off the charts…

My whole life I have been taught bad and good but unwinding and unfolding these two worlds is like a huge puzzle which after I master one thing then I am put into another lesson about trust,love and boundaries. I never really understood those lessons internally for myself because when I was younger I kept my secrets hidden from others for so long, that I figured out on the external self about others in some levels and a lot in so many other areas I do not understand. Like boundaries ….. trust…. love…power…. and money.

Let me explain about how I feel towards these topics…. I never got the Real concepts about boundaries when growing up on this earth. so because no real boundaries were confirmed as a child and boundaries being violated…. my trust was shattered, so those people abused my boundaries, so was did I teach or learn was to violate boundaries and what I coming to terms with is that boundaries/trust/love/power/money are a vital organ on this planet to survive.

Where I come from unity is the key to all of this… when you come into unity with ones self… I guess… one becomes in unity with life around it self.

This world is so selfish and abusive for power and money then comes love,but it is more based lust and maybe trust….. so this makes me hate money but then I have to survive in this world in this dark world of hate, when no one really knows what real love is because everyone knows abuse and it feels so real to them that love is lust and not real love or that is what I have learned my whole life being sexual abused from a young child. I grew up thinking sex was love and no matter how you got the sex that equals love, so this took me down bad paths of destruction but yet there was at one time. I knew it was wrong but then the touch kept me from growing internally because I thought it was right when it was so wrong. but yet I pulled it in as a child with intense power and could channel so deeply into things and yet had to hide it after the first moment of abuse or anger from my mother from using my power… I made our station wagon move around the parking lot and then after my mother looked at me with anger eyes. I began to see myself as being bad then I was sexually abused which caused this dark world… I lived in now because it was all I knew growing up from my mother and her abusing herself through prostitution and babysitting kids.which lead me to want to protect and kinda give up a part of my childhood to protect them but then after being abused in the playground and with my mother being sexual abused by a stranger… so this taught to push pull things around me. I have to relearn to pull good in and push bad out.. I am stuck in a trap because one minute. I want good and then other moments in normal life..I want to be bad..
Note: I have screamed my whole life to know what love is and what it means ………… however, I think I am in the beginning stages of learning through this process ..what love means but crossed with love/lust which makes me think about my mother and hate money. but then I want money.. here we go again push pull game. One feeling of negative hating money but yet I need it and kinda want it because I do deserve it one handed but on the other hand I abused I feel I do not deserve it. I guess, I have to grow into loving money for the right reasons. as like the book talked about creating values means creating play which means creating wealth which means living your FNE..your dream job…

My dream job wants to create a huge business idea with Creativity as the source. I love music, poetry, writing, painting, sculpting( never learned but I really deeply want to learn) never went to art school but I am currently going to University of Phoenix getting my masters degree in Psychology because to be in business you must your competitor and their business and how they do it. However, since I have learning curve and compete in this world and write as good as those people my boyfriend helps me in this process, which at one I love to learn but at the other hand I hate it because he is doing it and not me. Its honest… truth but I had no idea way back then, I should have went to school in art and just read psychology in books but my ego got in the way,
The reasons why I say this is because I knew that I was a slow leaner but knew if I did not master people then I could not go into a business world as a creator but through a creative space in the world.

I am listening to music and I love to write songs, and understand more about writing poetry and writing books.. I have so many stories that I want to create but lack the ability to finish this next step in my creative writing course. which is Editing… which I wrote a short story about “The Unforgettable Death” which was a deep pain… which is pain that I will never forget because I didn’t help him before he died and I felt everything that day as though I was right there with him, but at a distance hours away.

One question…. instead of writing my life and pain… sorry… !!!!

Learning to trust my inner voice and coming into this new world. what truth or secret do I keep. I want to bring my boyfriend in the secret but then I protect this secret because I have always protected my secrets, so this is where I am not sure what to do…. Can I share it with him or do I have to wait. For me unity is the key but I also know when someone is not ready… you have to wait…. Just like my beautiful daughter who is in college, for whom does not know who she is because I did the best in teaching her. She is going after a business degree in a community college. I give her space to learn and grow into someone special, but I also hurt her in so many ways because its all I knew internally… She wanted to learn how play a guitar so I bought it for her. but she gave up on it because the teacher was going to fast. I learned dancing tap, ballet, and ended up erotic dance to express myself but got damaged from that art expression. I stopped playing piano when I was young to much pain connected to it. My boyfriend plays so beautiful… and yet so gifted with art as well…

I hope this was not to much and I am sorry if I do not match the grammar with the sentences correctly, but I do the best I can in expressing myself in this world.

Tell Mark with the deepest sincerity and grace of his love for life and bringing me into this world, I know that I belong to but probably fight tooth and nail because I like my comfort stage… which I created for protection of these precious gifts but I am starting to give them out… slowly… teaching and giving my heart out slowly. 😉

Its a slow process… for sure…. Thank you taking the time to read this and I hope it made sense or it went everywhere or nowhere but that was in my heart during this moment that I just wanted to express through my emotions.